Where do we draw the line? Is there anyway to find equilibrium without completely losing our mind? How do we find this vital stasis and still live everyday like it’s our last? Living, really living, meaning we are not afraid to love, take risks, and be hopeful in our everyday life, puts us in a very vulnerable position. A position so vulnerable that when something takes us by surprise, good or bad, you feel it in every fiber of you being. What’s wrong with this picture? How do we turn off our feelings, even our beliefs, to stop hurting without shutting out the good things too? Will this war that rages within me ever stop? Is there anything wrong with being this intense when it is simply a part of who I am?  Is this what makes me unique? Is there anything wrong with caring so much about everyone you know or come in contact with that sometimes you feel like your heart can not hold anything else?

http://www.impressionist.ca/images/impressionMonet.jpg

 

 

Some really beautiful quotes from a book, The Reason for Roses, written by Babs H. Deal, which i read last summer.......

"Because life is a process and it accumulates; and nothing is ever lost. Nothing is ever lost. We learn to love by loving. We learn to live by living. We learn to die by dying a little all along the way." pg. 82

 

"You didn't plant them. You just love them. And it doesn't matter whether they care or not. What matters most is the way you feel." pg. 152

 

"Life isn't ever wasted, not really. One way or another we are all part of all we've ever met." pg. 230

 

"We are all flawed and we are all blessed; not only by the environment, but in the gene." pg. 275

 

 

 

 

 

ok, weekend class. i know, i know, i am sure that sounds pretty lame, but don't be fooled. i had the best class this weekend! it's supposed to be 15 hrs. friday and saturday combined, and we have the most awesome instructor ever. did i mention he is really hot? don't get the wrong idea! he is married and has three beautiful children, but he is sooo hot and soooo hilarious. we laughed the entire two days, me in particular. of course he had to crack on me because of my foot. the class was so positive and motivating and made me really excited about my major. we are learning the tricks of running and managing a classroom and it is so fascinating. hard to believe, right? the theories, ideas, and stories of classroom management are so interesting.

 

last night i could not sleep. i had a lot of things on my mind. heh. anyway, i was laying in bed thinking about how much i love some of my friends and family so i was compelled to let them know with a text message, how else when it is four o'clock in the morning? so this morning when i woke up, i had like five nice text messages and a then i had a mean voice mail asking if i was drinking when i sent those! no! thank you very much. i have appreciation for the people i love dearly and what's so wrong with saying it!? then i get another one from j.w. that says, i love you candy loo, but i hate women! what! thanks a lot.

 

this hurricane mess is really scary. a category five! holy cow. i could not believe my eyes when i turned on the weather channel this morning. i hope everyone is ok.

laying on the couch. yep. big surprise. well i did get out for a little bit, but it's quite exhausting.... i have not been able to drive for almost three weeks.! i will never take my feet for granted ever again! i start school again this week! hooray! the countdown begins. i got most of my school books yesterday and i am overcome with excitement. i am being truthful, no sarcasm intended, this time. i got some stiches taken out friday and it hurt way worse than i thought! not to mention that the nurse was mean, she was rolling her eyes while i was trying not to let any tears fall or curse. goody, goody, now i am looking forward to them taking out the pins-without knocking me out. scary! at least i get to leave for the beach this weekend. good times to be had. so despite my temporary disability, i have had more fun the past two weekends than i have had in a really long time. we do a lot of laughing that is for sure. we are trying to plan this trip of ours. since one of my friends i want to go with us is married, she may go with us for a week, have her husband meet us in seattle, where they have friends, and they can fly back to alabama from there. i hope he lets her! jacob wants to go with us, he invited  himself saying, i am soooooooooooooo there, don't worry, count me in. we are just sitting there stunned, shaking our heads, as he pipes in, don't worry, i will help pay!!!!!!! excuse me, did i miss something? hello?! tooooooo funny. there is nobody else like that boy, that's for sure.................................anyway, life is good, no complaints.

this song has been stuck in my head-and what do you know, i turned on the tv and that's exactly what video was playing. "don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" shoot, not only does he wish i was hot like you, so do i!!!! i am a girl and i can admit that the main singer from the pussycat dolls is unbelievably hot. sigh.

 

anyway! on a lighter note, since i cannot put any weight at all on my right foot, I have been hopping around on my left leg, now my left ankle feels like it's about to snap in half! lol. the predicaments i get myself into. have i mentioned that i want to kill the cat? seriously! she is driving me nuts. i am sitting on the couch, she is super hyper and she is climbing on the back of he couch-and get this, crawling up underneath the slip cover! grrrrrrrrrrr. soooooooo annoying.

 

i am an insomniac, i have to be! it is 6:30 in the morning, i have not slept one wink tonight and i am not even slightly ready to go to sleep. well, i get it makes up for the four or five days that i was drugged up and slept all day and night.

 

oh my goodness, last night, a few hours a go in my restlessness, i pulled out some old journals and poetry that i had written a while back! talk about scary! it's so wonderful that i can look back now, and say, my goodness, glad that is no longer my life, and i cannot believe i used to actually feel that way! i mean, i feel sooooo happy right now. despite the stress, i am really appreciative of where i am at!

MAN, AUGUST THE 5TH, I HAD SURGERY. NOW I HAVE PINS STICKING OUT OF THE TOP OF MY FEET! LITERALLY! I HAVE TO BE OFF  MY FOOT FOR ANOTHER FIVE WEEKS. FUN, FUN. I NEVER KNEW HOW HARD THIS WOULD BE, TEMPORARILY USING ONE LEG. AT LEAST I GET TO GO TO DESTIN FOR A WHILE BEFORE THE FALL SEMESTER STARTS! HOORAY! I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF FIVE DAYS. BEFORE I WAS KNOCKED OUT FOR MY SURGERY, THEY GAVE ME TWO VALIUM, THEN AFTER THE SURGERY, AND FOR FIVE CONSECUTIVE DAYS, I WAS ON DEMEROLL. I HAD CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE I DONT EVEN REMEMBER! IT'S CRAZY! I WAS KNOCKED OUT! WELL, MAYBE I WILL HAVE SOMETHING MORE TO SAY LATER. IT'S LIMITED RIGHT NOW. MY BRAIN IS GONE. SURPRISE.

 

 

Score! I am through with another semester! One left-ten behind me! Wow, now all I have to look forward to is surgery on Friday. I am gonna put a picture up of our new cat. Kill me. Fiona, the kitten, looks all innocent and cute, but do not let it fool you. We are thinking about renaming her Lucifer. There is also a new one of John and Jacob when they were in New York a few weeks ago. They could not be any cuter.

 

I've been reading through a lot of past entries in my journal and I see a repeating pattern. Self destruction and procrastination! Aagh! Seriously, at least I can admit it. I have got to get this together! LOL. I am just too much! My new theme song is Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, by India Arie. What great, positive, and motivating lyrics!

i have always had this insatiable desire to understand myself and have the ability to express my findings. I have been avoiding schoolwork all day long, when I have no business messing around and all I can do is stare into space finding myself totally immersed in thought. i am incredible burned out from my college years and I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way. I have four classes left in the fall after I get done with finals in less than two weeks and I do not feel like I can even hold out that long. i am soooo hating my job too, it is so monotonous, and again I feel so ungrateful! They work with my schedule, let me work whenever I need to, let me off whenever I say and I work the hours I want to work. And, it's temporary. I need to recharge and change my attitude. I have worn myself out, so much so that I came down with strep throat and a sinus infection. Great. I have fifty million things to do for my methods of teaching Science class, due Tuesday, and I have done absolutely nothing today but twiddle my thumbs or stall. Kind of like what I am doing now. I am stressing over the most trivial, inconsequential matters that I am embarrassed to even admit to them. Tonight I made the lowest test score that I have my entire college career, although it is still passing. For me, that is just unacceptable. A high "A" is the only thing I feel content with. It is just eating me up! Seriously, it has put a  huge damper on my mood.

 

Ok, on another note. I found the most fascinating website today:

 

 

If you click on the testing sight icon, it will take you to another screen, click on: Insight Primary Color Preview. All of this goes hand in hand with the research done by Meyers & Briggs, and Keirsey. There is so much truth to it! It is almost eerie. I go through life meeting people and being able to tell if they are a guardian, artisan, rational, or idealist ( I am an idealist).

Well, I have been sitting here on this computer doing "homework" for about five hours. I have listened to the Last of the Mohicans Soundtrack about three times in the meantime. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! The end of the semester, I absolutely hate it. I had wonderful news yesterday. (sarcasm intended) I have a community service project due next Tuesday, I had scheduled a training last night at Hope Place, and it was not until after the three hours I was there that I was told that the training would last for six weeks. Great. I am in hot water. I have the Fall semester left before I graduate with my B.S.(so appropriate) in Education and I don't know if I can hang in there until then. Link: http://www.misconstruedthoughts.com/ See Expert Tuesday, entry from January 4, 2005.

 

I love when it is late at night like this. I won't be too happy in the morning when I get up for work, but hey, I need an outlet somehow. Oh my goodness!!! Well, since my sister stole the washer and dryer that Erin and I were supposed to get when we moved into our apartment, my parents said that they would buy us a used one. Goodness gracious! I was at school the evening my dad brought it over. When I arrived home, I opened the door to the laundry room anticipating our new washing machine and dryer. What I saw made me burst out laughing. I was like, this thing is supposed to clean our clothes?!???????!! This HAS to be the first model washer and dryer ever made, and it HAD to have been sitting out in the elements, rain, sleet and snow, for at least twenty years. It gets better. Apparently there was a wasps nest, we had an infestation the first few days after the washer and dryer arrived. Not to mention, that when we put the first load of laundry in, ants came out by, no joke, by the thousands. So then, the icing on the cake. We put the laundry into the dryer, when smoke begins billowing out of the hideous contraption. The worst scary, chemical smell-ick! The stench brought tears to our eyes and I think we must have coughed for at least 30 minutes. We proceeded to open all of the windows and doors in the house and it was still unbearable. I was tired and I wanted to go to bed, I called my mother and told her if we died in our sleep it was all their fault for paying $250 for a piece of crap they never even looked at!:)

i am stealing jacob's line! hilarious. well, i am doing better than i have in a while. i have a tremendous amount of appreciation for all of the wonderful friends i have in my life. it's too good to be true! i am sitting here trying to do homework. instead i am doing anything but. surprise, surprise.  one more semester of school, rock on! hopefully i will make it through. that is the real test!

last night the girls saw a shirt that said, oh build a bridge and get over it-they said that shirt was made for me, that's my new phrase.

i need to start planning for my graduation trip! i cannot wait.