Where do we draw the line? Is there anyway to find equilibrium without completely losing our mind? How do we find this vital stasis and still live everyday like it’s our last? Living, really living, meaning we are not afraid to love, take risks, and be hopeful in our everyday life, puts us in a very vulnerable position. A position so vulnerable that when something takes us by surprise, good or bad, you feel it in every fiber of you being. What’s wrong with this picture? How do we turn off our feelings, even our beliefs, to stop hurting without shutting out the good things too? Will this war that rages within me ever stop? Is there anything wrong with being this intense when it is simply a part of who I am?  Is this what makes me unique? Is there anything wrong with caring so much about everyone you know or come in contact with that sometimes you feel like your heart can not hold anything else?

http://www.impressionist.ca/images/impressionMonet.jpg

 

 

Some really beautiful quotes from a book, The Reason for Roses, written by Babs H. Deal, which i read last summer.......

"Because life is a process and it accumulates; and nothing is ever lost. Nothing is ever lost. We learn to love by loving. We learn to live by living. We learn to die by dying a little all along the way." pg. 82

 

"You didn't plant them. You just love them. And it doesn't matter whether they care or not. What matters most is the way you feel." pg. 152

 

"Life isn't ever wasted, not really. One way or another we are all part of all we've ever met." pg. 230

 

"We are all flawed and we are all blessed; not only by the environment, but in the gene." pg. 275

 

 

***Your Five Variable Love Profile***

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power even though

your partner may not be aware of it.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test
http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/

 

 

 

***Your Linguistic Profile:***

55% General American English

40% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofamericanenglishdoyouspeakquiz/

 

 

You Are 46% Vain

You're a little vain, but more than anything you have a healthy amount of confidence. Thinking the world of yourself is great. Just don't think less of those who aren't as pretty as you!

 

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have low conscientiousness. Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously. Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions. Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways. And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery... Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever. You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

 

 

 

 

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

 

(too funny........i love lightning, but is that really describing me? random violence!? yikes!)

 

 

 

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

 

 

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

 

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You have a passion for everything - including sleeping. Outgoing and brash, you tend to still shock those who know you well. You tend to be selfish. You are the most likely type to hog the covers. You gravitate toward comfort and don't like extreme situations.

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "In everyone's life, at some time our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." Albert Schweitzer

 

 

 

 

Funny how people walk into your life, completely turn your world upside down, and you never even saw it coming. There is an ambiguity about these changes-welcome because it reminds you of what it feels like to really be alive-and unwelcome because you don't know how to go back to living your life before hand, when you were ignorant........Life goes on-it's up to each one of us to move forward and let these changes make us into better, more insightful individuals. Vague....maybe, but it makes perfect sense to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amazon Rainforest

Isn't he cute?!

 

Faces

People that I meet and pass In the city's broken roar, Faces that I lose so soon And have never found before, Do you know how much you tell In the meeting of our eyes, How ashamed I am, and sad To have pierced your poor disguise? Secrets rushing without sound Crying from your hiding places -- Let me go, I cannot bear The sorrow of the passing faces. -- People in the restless street, Can it be, oh can it be In the meeting of our eyes That you know as much of me?

 

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

 

 

this is one art i seem to be great at-i have mastered something. candy

Today I was "studying" at our coffee shop on campus. This translates into me people watching. There is a woman, not too much older than me, whom  I have had several classes with and have been able to get to know, sitting across the room. Her husband left her not to long ago, leaving herself and her young toddler alone. He has made no attempts to even see his son since he has been gone. She struggles with her financial obligations and she is trying to finish school as fast as she possibly can so she can eke out a decent living. Today, looking at her, my heart absolutely broke. You can see the sadness written all over her face, you can really see it in her eyes. Heartache is such a terrible thing. I had written this little bit of poetry before, but it seemed an appropriate time to incorporate it into my writing.

 

 

Your heart left untouched

is far too much to bear

please leave me to believe

that for me, you did care

 

my love i relinquish

pretending it was never mine

for you I can no longer wait

too long I have been denied

 

ok ryan! you have to stop posting these things! i am never gonna get anything accomplished!:)

 

1.smoked cigarettes.-nope, icky

2.smoked a cigar -nope, but sometimes i think they smell good

3.broken a cd - ran over one on my bike

4.crashed a friend's car -No

5.stolen a car - no, what! are you kidding! that's hilarious just imagining myself stealing a car!

6.been in love - yup

7.been dumped - lol! story of my life

8.shoplifted -no

9.been fired - no, in fact, i beg my employer to fire me all of the time, they refuse.

10.been in a fist fight - yes, not that i like thinking of it.

11.snuck out of your house -eeek! yes! on several occasions.

12.had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - lol! again, story of my life!

13.been arrested - no, thank goodness, just getting a ticket it traumatic enough!

14.made out with a stranger - uhhhhh

15.gone on a blind date - nope

16.lied to a friend - prob about something stupid

17.had a crush on a teacher -uh, in fact i do right now. he is smokin hot.

18.skipped school - does college count?

19.slept with a co-worker -nooooooooo

20.seen someone die - no

21.been on a plane - tons!

22.thrown up in a bar - no way jose

23.taken painkillers - can you say demerol? wow, if you every have surgery, my little piece of advice would be to ask for this.

24.love someone or miss someone right now - yes!!! you know who  you are!

25.laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by -yes!!!

26.made a snow angel -yes, even though snow is non-existent here, in the hotter than hades south

27.played dress up - of course, that's what girls live for when they are little.....well never mind, i was about to write something to really embarrass myself

28.cheated while playing a game -possibly monopoly when i was like, well let's see, eight yrs. old.

29.been lonely - yes, but not so much recently

30.fallen asleep at work/school -no!

31.used a fake id - no,  but my sister stole my real one, that's kinda close!:)

32.felt an earthquake - no

33.touched a snake - yes

34.ran a red light - lol-yes and the scary thing is, i did not even notice the traffic light, much less that it was red

35.been suspended from school - nope

36.had detention - nope, can you say goody-goody

37.been in a car accident - Yep

38.hated the way you look -sometimes i used to

39.witnessed a crime -yes...

40.pole danced - kind of! haha, yes, even  i, imagine that

41.been lost - i am great at directions! at least i am good at something

42.been to the opposite side of the country - oh yes.....

43.felt like dying - ick, i hate going there, yes, unfortunately i have

44.cried yourself to sleep - ha! do you know me!? of course i have, once or twice.....

45.played cops and robbers - ooooh yeah.......:)

46.sang karaoke - back in the day! and i never would have if a guy i liked did not coax me into it.

47.done something you told yourself you wouldn't - yes, can you say hypocrite?

48.laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose - yes, it really grossed myself out along with several others

49.caught a snowflake on your tongue - yep

50.kissed in the rain - no, but i need to remedy that

51.sing in the shower -why do you think i blast my cd player when i am in the shower

52.made love in a park -i could only hope and dream

53.had a dream that you married someone- yes, but it was not good

54.glued your hand to something - no

55.got your tongue stuck to a flag pole - do people really do that?

56.worn the opposite sex's clothes - prob.....a shirt or something

57.

58.sat on a roof top - yes!

59.didn't take a shower for a week - almost, when i have been camping/back packing

60.ever too scared to watch scary movies alone - i am a scaredy cat! i am too scared to watch really scary movies with other people

61.played chicken -in the pool? is that in any way relevant?

62.been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on -yes, i hate my friends and apparently they hate me too!:)

63.been told you're hot by a complete stranger- yes

64.broken a bone -yes, i missed like four steps, fell flat on my face and broke my foot, to say that experience was humiliating is an understatement. i tried to pretend like i was ok, until i woke up the next morning and my broken foot was twenty sizes bigger than the other, i had no other choice but to go to the hospital.

65.been easily amused - everyday of my life! we have to laugh to keep from cryin!

66.laugh so hard you cry -one of the reasons why i love life!

67.mooned/flashed someone - yes

68.cheated on a test -i HAVE looked at a book when i took an online test-so sue me!

69.forgotten someone's name - oopsie, yes

70.slept naked -of course! too bad i am alone when i do!

71.gone skinny dipping in a pool-yes

72.been kicked out of your house - nope

73.blacked out from drinking - nope

74.played a prank on someone - not that i can recall

75.gone to a late night movie - yup

76.made love to anything not human- sick, no, this question should be deleted

77.failed a class - i freak out when i get a "b"

78.choked on something you're not supposed to eat - yes and both times it was because of tortilla chips!

79.played an instrument for more than 10 hours -haha, yeah right

80.cheated on a gf/bf -NO, NO, NO-

81.ate a whole package of oreos -no, but this one time i was on a "strict diet" and i was staying at a friends house and i ate the whole bag of chips ahoy. disgusting! so much for the diet, not that i should have been on one anyway.

82.thrown strange objects - i'm confused

83.felt like killing someone -no

84.thought about running away - yes

85.ran away - yes, did not get very far

86.did drugs -no, never touched any, seen any, for that matter

87.had detention and not attend it - no

88.yelled at parents - that used to be my middle name!

89.made parent cry -gosh, my poor mother

90.cried over someone -heck yes

91.owned more than 5 puppies-no way

92.dated someone more than once - kill me, yes! only let someone break up with you once. case closed

93.have a dog -no not anymore

94.have a cat -thanks for reminding me, she is the devil

95.own an instrument -at my parents house we have a beautiful antique piano, and you can actually play it

96.been in a band -puh-leeez, if you ever heard my attempts to sing, or play a musical instrument, you wouldn't even have to ask

97.had more than 25 sodas in one day -gross no

98..made out with a member of the same sex - No 

99.shot a gun -yes, but not a real, manly gun!

100.been online for more than 5 hours straight -i am such a loser!